Inquiring Minds Want to Know...
Wednesday, December 14, 2011 at 01:01PM I know that I've thrown some folks for a loop.
And I'm sorry.
You didn't do anything wrong.
And neither did I.
I was speaking at Women's Retreats, doing music in churches, directing an after school Music Program at a Christian School and then, went on a mission trip to upstate New York.
That was in 2005.
And then, I went through hell.
And came back in 2007.
And I was 'different.'
People noticed a certain 'peace' in me and a light-heartedness in me. That was good.
But mostly people didn't notice til they asked me questions:
"So, where are you going to church?"
"Which pastor are you 'under?' "
Which led to my answers:
"You know we're not going to church. We're celebrating our faith in a more family kind of way."
"We're not 'under' any pastor -- we're 'under' God -- actually 'with' God -- actually, God's with us and we're just enjoying our life."
Oh boy.
That has not gone over well.
So, then the series of 'uninvited to speak at Retreats' started happening. And the 'not being asked to sing at churches' kicked in.
And it was fine. At first.
But then, about a year after being back in California, it really started to hurt. And I started to meltdown. And I started to get sick.
Which only made some of my Christian friends say, "Oh! See! It's because she's gone away from the Lord..." And they squealed with inner delight that God was 'getting me.'
Because their God 'gets' people.
Like my old god used to.
My more mature Christian friends would tell me they were 'sad' and 'praying for me.'
And I welcomed the prayers because my God knew how to turn their prayers for my good. Despite their judgments.
And then there were other friends from church -- they'd come to me, and ask me real questions like "How are you doing?" and "Tell me what really happened in New York."
And i told them about a god that had died and a God who was revealed. I told them about the journey of rest and trust and love. And how I went through what felt like hell, to end up questioning heaven
and hell.
And I didn't see that as a bad thing.
Because I finally trusted God with my doubt.
And that, was a sign of my true faith being present.
And I celebrated my doubt instead of trying to fix it.
And I loved the mystery of not knowing theological answers.
And I enjoyed me not having to default to church-taught presumptions.
Because God and I were on a journey. And it didn't have to look grand and I didn't have to talk about it and I didn't need to explain it.
Eventually, I found community again -- outside the construct of conventional church. I loved people and I missed them but I found that I would have rather been alone with God and my evolving beliefs than be with people who were always checking their list to make sure I had said the right thing.
I don't believe in Santa Claus. And I don't believe in a god who would be that way either. And I didn't want to be around people who were always checking to see if I was theologically naughty or nice.
Because I loved myself.
And I started valuing my time.
And I treasured being alone rather than being in the company of people who rejected me but called it "God's love."
I sound like I'm being harsh -- forgive me. I'm not feeling harsh, I'm just conveying the way it was. Maybe if it sounds harsh to you, it might be because you are one of the ones who judged me.
And that's okay. Your journey is not my journey. I have to live through my own bumps and judgments.
My God deals with me so graciously about them. I don't want to judge. But I do. But I care to not. And that's what's different than before.
So, now, I don't concern myself with your politics or your religion or your sexual preference because those things don't matter to me in the scheme of me loving you.
I'm not trying to "win" you over for Christ
and I'm not trying to change you
or fix you
because I don't see you as 'broken.'
I see you as Love.
From the Source of Love.
The rest is a cover-up. And we all have them.
I'm just on my journey
and I leave you to yours.
Blessings to you as you travel.
More to come...but for now:
"peace,"
Stacey
Reader Comments (15)
Ahh Stacey if I could only speak or write like you do. What a blessing this post has been to me, especially today! Thank you for being harsh and putting into words things/ideas that I still can not.
A lot of what you wrote speaks to my own experiences over the past four and a half years. Thank you for speaking the truth, for being open and honest about your journey, and for being authentic in all that you share with your fellow travelers.
Wow. Just wow. Oh, and yay!
Wow! It's so good to know you've been there too. My wife and I left organized religion in 2005 after being completely submersed for over twenty years. I was a lay minister under a pastor and my wife worked in the church school (unpaid) all those years. We had both been raised Catholics but left that to get involved in a non-denominational Bible based group. We learned a lot (good things and bad) about God, the Bible, church life, etc., and we always felt we were where God wanted us. Finally, it became obvious that it was time to move on and though we tried to make it as easy as we could on everyone, it was still a very rough experience to go through. It was at least two years before the hurt started to deminish. Others were hurt and couldn't understand no matter what we said. In fact I'm not sure we are completely through it yet. But, I do know that we are so happy to be free from the burden that we felt. Through the internet and friends that have been through the same experience, we have found others like yourself that have gone through a similiar time. You express yourself very eloquently. I look forward to reading about your experiences with the Lord. God Bless...
good word! nice to see someone else from squarespace!
thank you for this. thank you so much. i am in a similar place...it feels like a coming out of my own. i am so grateful for you sharing this...i'm diving into the new year unafraid and am working on articulating everything happening inside me. :-) this is such a helpful post. thank you.
What a privileged to be on this wonderful journey with you!
It's so good to know we're not alone.
Thank you, guys for letting me know you've been there. It comforts in that way that makes me sit and nod and sigh when I read your experiences.
Peace!
Stacey
Stacey,
Thanks for all you shared here, each and every journey is an unfolding adventure leading us ever deeper into a much clearer understanding of our Father's heart. His unconditional love, wins us to trust.
I especially loved this, as I know it only to well. Because I loved myself.
And I started valuing my time.
And I treasured being alone rather than being in the company of people who rejected me but called it "God's love."
You are far from being alone. I too am slowly
Entering into a rest with PaPa God that I could
Not see thru my in depth collections of books
And teachings. I am being renewed in his love.
Yes!
We are not alone. I am not alone. The great God who has always loved me~ LOVES ME! "Just as I am" is a reality, not the words to a funeral dirge-type melody sang to bring "sinners" to the altar, but a real truth about how deep and wide and broad is the love of God, a love unfathomably deep and wide and broad enough to include everyone.
I hear you.
Oh Stace my heart swells.... You have put words to feeling and my own heart hashings.
I am in the same space... Love you so.
Amy
this is just fabulous.
Thank you for sharing this. I came to your sight through rain. I find myself here. Right now. Saying goodbye to the god dying and attempting to journey closer to the One who is being revealed to me bit by messy bit.
This is SO similar to what I'm going through right now. There is so much daunting pressure to believe the "right" things and have all the answers. I can't understand why! Why do we have to be right? I feel a shifting in me, a new thing the Lord is doing. I'm heavily involved in my church, and I'm not sure where I'm going to end up if I allow God to really work in me and change me. Will I still fit in with the church? Doesn't that sound so stupid?
Ugh.
Thank you for posting this. I need to know that someone else is allowing God to do new things in them and go against the crowd and it is okay.