A God of Love (and my freakin' bunny trails about it.)
Thursday, December 22, 2011 at 02:20AM Okay, so, if I saw that title on someone else's blog this week, I'd pass it by in a 'yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah' kind of way.
Okay, not the 'freakin' bunny-trails' part -- that would have intrigued me to peek...but then, I would have seen the length of the post and been like, "No freakin' way. Too long. I'm a tired mom. I need People Magazine, bite-sized bits of spirituality."
But if it had been 5 or 6 years ago, I would have had a laser-like focus, reading it and taking every ounce of it in.
You see, when I got the revelation that God is Love when I was living in New York, it was so new to me.
That punishing god
The capricious, fickle god
The god who was like a police officer, who not only set up the speed trap but waited there to catch me falling right into it...
yeah, that god
he died.
And one night I laid in my bed, after a spiritual journey that I thought would kill me, I heard these words,
"I am Love.
And you are Love."
And it resounded in my heart where truth lives.
There was a God who presented himself as the God of me.
Who made me from his love.
The church had told me I was a broken sinner, whom God would ignore and send to hell if I didn't believe in Jesus Christ.
I didn't believe that anymore.
I believed that Love made me whole and beautiful. That Love made me from what Love is. That Love does not forsake someone for disagreeing or disbelieving. Love just loves to love us.
Perfect Love can't be untrue to its nature to love.
Then, when I looked at the Bible, I looked at it with that filter, "God is Love and I am Love." and everything in the Bible that lined up with Love resounded
and the passages that didn't
didn't.
And I felt awkward at first being the arbiter of where truth, as I saw it, was in the Bible. But then I became more comfortable to imperfectly and humbly sift the scriptures because Love was the template and if something didn't fit within the template of Love then, it just didn't fit.
I wasn't wrong for noticing it.
I remember when I was a little girl, my dad hit my leg -- hard. So hard, that my leg swelled in the shape of his big fingers.
I said, "Dad! You hit me!"
"I did not."
"Yes, you did! And you hit me hard!"
"Oh, please..."
"You did. Look at my leg..."
"Yeah, well you're just so sensitive!"
Now, family disclaimer -- love my dad, he did great things and goober things. This was a goober moment for sure.
But the point is this:
I had an experience.
I knew it was true.
I had evidence of it's truth.
I may have not been able to convince my dad to come out of his delusion about it, but I knew enough to know the truth of the situation.
I wasn't wrong for noticing the truth of what happened.
See, when I had this revelation about God and Love, everything changed. I saw myself differently, others differently, I saw my strengths and weaknesses differently.
I saw the church's 'worm theology' differently. (I don't believe I'm a worm, cause if I'm a worm and God made me, then God's a worm and that's just weird.)
I saw divorce differently.
I saw heaven and hell differently.
I saw being 'born again' differently.
And when I came back from New York to California, people were challenged by my being different.
There was a lot of rejection. And it hurt like hell. And pushed buttons that I didn't realize were still needing healing and Love.
But no person could take that revelation away. Because no person gave it to me.
It came to me through 'resting' -- something I was, without a doubt, called to do.
And I rested. And it was painful. And I hated it.
At first.
And then, it became my counselor, my companion -- eventually my friend -- an ultimately my lover.
Because rest brought to me the revelation of this God of Love.
People said to me, "You sound like a hippie. You're talking about that loose-y, goose-y 'feeling' kind of love..."
First of all, they're wrong.
And secondly, they say that as if 'feeling' love is bad.
Because in their religion it is. Feeling guilty and feeling remorseful and feeling unworthy are what makes their spiritual world go 'round so, when I talked about love it seemed like an undocumented foreigner in their midst. All they wanted to do was throw the law at it
instead of getting to know it.
(illegal alien disclaimer: I'm for borders with humane and fair standards in this whole imperfect situation. Please don't get your panties in a bunch and miss the point.)
The law, never loves Love.
The law is there where Love does not exist.
The law exists to put order to where the chaos exists because Love is not present. Because if we operated from the law of Love, we would treat others the way we'd like to be treated. And, taking one step back, we'd know our value so we'd know the value of others and treat them accordingly.
That's what I think being born-again is, by the way -- it's being born-again to the understanding of our true identity. I believe Jesus came to show us who we are in Love.
I believe we were spiritually birthed from the womb of Love that is perfect. And then we came into the world and were taught other stuff (I want to say 'shit' but I won't) that covered, and covered and covered us until we were trying to live on a tropical island of Love with 30 layers of snow clothes.
And Jesus came and said, "Umm...it's pretty warm and you don't need that."
And we walked around sweating, "I'm fine, Praise Jesus! I'm sweating for the sake of the kingdom! I'm sweating because there's some sin in me that needs to be purged. I'm sweating 'cause it's my ministry to help other people sweat for their eternal salvation. I'm sweating for the glory of God-duh!"
And Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are weary of wearing too much stuff. Take my example, I've got a light garment that fits for the weather of the atmosphere of Love, give me all those layers, they're too heavy a burden. You can't even move in that damn thing. Take them off. You weren't designed to live like this. And when you catch that revelation, that will give you rest."
And some followed Jesus and some really sweating, pissed-off people killed him off. I can relate -- being too hot and not having relief brings out the crucifier in me, too. (Have you ever been in LA when the heat waves hit? Not pretty.)
The thing is this: Love covers (The Bible says that, I didn't. It just resounds in me.)
so we don't need all that other cover-up that's weighing us down.
So, God revealed his love and I believed him.
And people got upset because they've made a career out of sweating
and my spirituality looks pornographic to them. Like I'm dressed in scantily-clad beliefs and should cover up.
And they're so busy seeing my spiritual cleavage (that God gave me, by the way) that they can't see how I love my kids or my husband or my neighbor. They can't see the fun in me and the light-heartedness, the growing peace in me or my more okay-ness with my less-than-perfect-ness.
They see that as my having a sin hey-day.
And they're waiting for me to see the error of my ways.
And they're reading this asking, "Why does she keep writing about this?? If she's so free then why does she still write about this. Why doesn't she move on?"
Fair question.
I guess it's that I'm constantly inspired by the judgment that's out there. The Facebook posts that have scriptures about obedience or that God loves them because he spared them from a car accident -- never thinking that they're implying that God doesn't love the person who died in the car accident -- and so on and so on. It triggers a reminder in me of where I was, where I still am in some ways and that there are many out there on this journey to a God of Love, too who need to know it's okay to shed their clothes too.
And they're tired of sweating.
I'm just inspired to write this.
That's all.
And I'm not so busy editing my inspiration anymore so that the masses can think I'm innocuous or 'good' -- I'd rather be able to look myself in the mirror each day and say, "You're shedding the spiritual weight. That is your life work -- to live in Love. And because of that, you'll be less of a monumental bitch to your husband AND you'll get to pass on lightness to your children and their children and their children. And if someone in my community resonates with this, they'll shed their weight, and pass on lightness to their children and so on and so on and so on..."
And that's good enough for me.
Okay...
Bunny-trial complete...
for the moment.
:-)
Peace,
Stacey
Reader Comments (11)
I can't get over how much your words resonate with my path right now. I want to shout and run and dance and explore. You are putting into words the feelings and ideas that have been bouncing around in me for the past month or so. I didn't think anyone like you existed haha. Thank you for the metaphor of sweating, burdened people. Thank you for posting this.
I am so glad that you are writing about this. Some of us are just now finding your words and they are soothing. My husband and I left church a few years ago and are still attempting to figure out who this new God is. The old one has died. It feels as though we take a step forward and get shoved many back. Both of our fathers are pastors which doesn't make it easy. I appreciate your words. I appreciate your honesty. Since I began talking about my struggle, I have met so many wonderful friends that have been where I am, it is invigorating to remove the mask.
nice to meet you, kelly.
you are
so
not
alone.
have fun running and shouting.
:-)
- Stacey
Nice to meet you, Heather -- I don't mean it in a trite way at all but I do say it often, "You're not alone."
And you're not crazy.
If you'd like to connect via e-mail please feel free: stacey@integrity.com
Peace,
Stacey
Yes!!!!
Words to heart rumblings AGAIN! Adore you.. adore your heart... thankyou for putting words to what so many are journey'ing out.
xo Amy
oh YES, a thousand times yes. these words will stay with me. looking forward to chatting with you. merry christmas and have an amazing new year...
#1. I just hope you know how amazing you are.
#2. I just hope you know what an amazing writer you are.
#3. I just hope you know that I am personally glad our words intersected...for however long.
#4. I just wanted to say thanks. This was wonderful and speaks deep to my soul. Merry Christmas Stac. Love you.
Two things I know:
Jesus thinks I'm to die for (and you, too).
There is NOTHING - absolutely NOTHING that can separate me from the love of God in Christ Jesus.
We are a pastor's family who have been out of church for 6 years. Our kids have fallen into states of shaken faith, but so far one has been completely turned around, especially since her non-believing husband gave his life to Christ.
I am much more comfortable being identified as a "jesus freak" a la 1970's, than I am as an Independent Fundamental Baptist.
Perfectly said, Stacey! I'm right with you! Free . . . free, indeed!
When it's real and true, it doesn't matter what anyone else says.
I love this Stacey!! The way you describe the 'Come to Me' verse really speaks to my heart. Shedding those layers, one step at a time.
My god too has been dying for some time and currently my spirit feeds on texts like this one (among other things). It's hard letting go of what used to be certain and replace it with this childish vitality I can more and more often feel within me, this presence of Love. But rest assured that what you're writing here - or your "shedding of light" - IS resonating with me (and others). Thank you for this.
And happy new year!